having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
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Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol