superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
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Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel