Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
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Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.