Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
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Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
We’re all getting idioter.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.