a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
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Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
any last words?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”