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Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me