Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
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noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
that colleague who touches your screen
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*