Bartenders are just boneless bars
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*aggressively waits in line*
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Why soy sad?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?