A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
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Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes