It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
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Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Sing it!
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR