911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
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No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said