Croquettes are not female crocodiles
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Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
We cut our bangs at dawn.