My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
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I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK