The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Cannot stop laughing at this
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I am also baked goods
This is my pinned tweet
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup