instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
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“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.