Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
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never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
The government even made aliens boring
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.