Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
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If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.