My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
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Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
My work here is done
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes