A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
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Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.