gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.