My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
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An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.