cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
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Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.