What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
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– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank