me, too, girl. me, too.
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I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.