White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
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Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Found the job I’m suited for
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these