You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
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The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better