*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I am yelling
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Anyone really
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.