I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
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My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub