If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
This took me a second..
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.