Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
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We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
pizza
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!