Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
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If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
When someone says you are so lazy
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
He-man has a Masters degree
Namaste