ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
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No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.