You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
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This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
anyone else like Italian cereal
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.