My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
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[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win