I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
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I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Admin smashed it 😂
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.