Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
You Might Also Like
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
For those that worship cheese..
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on