Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Life cycle of cat
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff