Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
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“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”