Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
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She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
oh you wanna fight?!
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon