pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
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Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
beware of dog
(jukin media)
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it