Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Called it
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.