Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.