My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
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I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Flock of bats
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do