Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
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My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part