“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
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His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
is it earth
I will never stop laughing at this
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.