“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
You Might Also Like
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!