You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
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Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.