“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
The Assassin.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
People buying plungers never look happy.