If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
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I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
This made me smile…
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
i want the dreams to chase me for once