We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
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I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Trumpy Cat
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit